Great news, everyone. The president is fine. Better than fine, in fact. He is in excellent health.
That’s the word, anyway, from Dr. Ronnie Ronny Jackson, the navy physician who administered Mr. Trump’s annual physical last week, and who reports that the exam went “exceptionally well.”
What exactly made this routine checkup exceptional isn’t clear. Maybe past presidents’ exams were at best uneventful, and at worst had Dubya chasing the doctor’s flashlight like a cat chasing a laser-pointer. Maybe Bill Clinton was a little too dodgy about his history of substance non-inhalation, and Barack Obama wouldn’t quit stanning a health plan so thoroughly government-controlled that Chuck Schumer would personally administer prostate exams. I don’t know.
All I know is that everything Donald Trump does is, by definition, superlative – he makes the biggest deals, surrounds himself with the best people, takes the most beautiful shits – and last week’s visit to Walter Reed Medical Center was no exception.
Wait, I mean it was an exception.
Wait, I mean … EXCEPTIONAL, DAMMIT.
The exam came amid growing concerns over the 71-year-old president’s mental and physical health. With his outward appearance and public behavior echoing the symptoms of ailments you wouldn’t wish on your worst POTUS (whoever that may be), speculation about Trump’s medical condition – and thus his fitness to hold office – has been rampant.
But now, with the results of his physical in, we can safely set these worries aside. Mr. Trump remains the HEALTHIEST PRESIDENT EVER – a one-man #resistance to all known maladies, the very picture of robust, youthful vigor. His body’s as fit as his nuclear button is large; his mind’s as sound as his motives are (racially) pure. Unencumbered by the frailties of a low-energy mortal, President Stable Genius is the tip-top, forever-winning Adonis we need to Make America Great Again.
To help us understand the great relief this news brings, I have compiled a list of illnesses that the president’s exceptional, outstanding, five-out-of-five physical exam has ruled out. After years of sneaking suspicion and nagging worry, of praying each ostensible symptom was but a benign Trumpian quirk, I believe this list – this dossier of diseases Donald Trump definitely doesn’t have – will reassure us all that the fate of the free world is in strong, vital, totally normal-sized hands.
1. Super herpes: Because regular herpes just isn’t good enough, super herpes are the biggest, most beautiful herpes, and can only be contracted by the very best people.
2. Donorrhea: Being a paragon of male sexual dominance is not without its risks, and this pesky infection, if left untreated, can lead to erratic genital spasms that doctors call “unstable peenius.”
3. Hair cancer: A disease that gives the hair a stale yellow pallor and a straw-like texture suitable for the nesting of migratory birds (although the most MAGA-lignant form of the disease wants those birds deported).
4. Pout: When the accumulation of chemical preservatives from an all-McDonald’s diet freezes one’s lips in a terse, unsightly pucker.
5. Covfefe fever: When the daily barrage of fake news causes a fire-and-fury-level spike in one’s temperature, leading to bizarre hallucinations, wild delusions, and delirious tweeting of inscrutable nonkitten in the dead of hat where now in llama pill the bigly quiet to oprah expialidocious wantfofo qeelhalsklf yyy %4#@J&.?
6. Diagreedes: A chronic condition where one’s health depends on daily infusions of ill-gotten wealth. Treatments include stiffing contractors, swindling college kids, bilking taxpayers, gaming bankruptcy laws, laundering mob money, and peddling a “luxury” brand of gaudy crap.
7. Mar-a-Laria: Found exclusively in the tropical climes of South Florida, this disease comes with a $200,000 initiation fee. Symptoms include profuse vomiting of a tacky slime (that blends right in with the décor), and a distinct orang-ing of the skin known as Dondice.
8. Klanish flu: Usually found in the Louisiana fever-swamp where David Duke goes to spawn, this disease comes with a whole basket of deplorable symptoms, including a tendency to retweet known white supremacists, the urge to berate uppity Black athletes, and an outspoken affinity for crusty Confederate monuments. Left untreated, the disease can result in an extreme narrowing of the urethra some call “very fine peep-hole.”
9. Misogynist swine flu: Symptoms include compulsive pussy-grabbing, the urge to spit petty epithets at threatening vagina-havers, feelings of profound sexual inadequacy, and profound sexual inadequacy. On the upside, one may discover an uncanny ability to surpass infinitely better-qualified rivals and rise to positions for which he is grotesquely unfit, simply because he has a penis.
10. Irritable scowl syndrome: A reflexive, peevish grimace that occurs whenever the afflicted is reminded that a woman beat him by 3 million votes.
11. Alt-rightis: A chronic disorder where one experiences searing physical pain whenever the faintest whiff of “social justice” is detected. Common triggers include all-female reboots, people who refuse to get over slavery, people who ignore all the good things Hitler did, men who look like feminists, non-self-loathing gays, all-gender restrooms, poor people living into their 40s, Beyoncé, Muslins, her emails.
12. YUGE-pox: Basically, the body becomes one giant, festering boil that discharges a stream of putrid slime 12 times a day – usually on Twitter.
13. There’s-a-Tweet-for-Everything Tourette’s: A disorder where the afflicted constantly engages in – and loses – arguments with himself due to an uncontrollable urge to blurt statements his own copious Twitter receipts will unfailingly demolish.
14. Bowel Obstruction of Justice: When one’s desperate attempts to shit on the rule of law are blocked by the stone-cold special prosecutor climbing straight up their ass.
15. Putin sensitivity: When exposure to the shifty machinations of a glorified international crime boss leaves one susceptible to blackmail, criminal indictment, and impeachment. Sufferers are advised to collude with their lawyers to determine the best defense, but a daily dose of congressional ambivalence has proved to be a highly effective check on the most serious symptoms.
16. Peebola: I’m not gonna describe this one. There’s a videotape.
17. Shithole: A foul, racist diarrhea of the mouth. (Whatever. He totally has this one.)