I generally try to avoid the Nonsense Internet and its way of infecting our mind grapes with meaningless viral inanity. Frankly, I’ve got better things to do online. (Also, I was totally right about the color of that dress.)

But last week, a startling headline appeared in my Twitter feed announcing that an inexplicable meme sensation had FREAKING DEMOLISHED my first name. No warning. No hope of revival. No remains. The name Daniel was over.

The culprit was a video called “Damn Daniel,” and if you’re of the mind that life is just too damn long, you can click here to check it out.

Now, it’s one thing to let some viral nonsense slowly melt my brain into pink porridge. But to allow this merciless wrecking ball of a meme to swing away at my poor, defenseless name – a noble appellation shared with he who faced down the lions in their den, who commanded American discourse with his soaring oratory, whose mighty family dynasty once ruled all of Hollywood? Too far, kids. TOO FAR.

So I decided to strike back and reclaim my good name the only way I know how: with a storm of brilliant parody tweets.

For your convenience, I’ve compiled all these tweets into one tidy blog post, and I now invite you, as a special Leap Day treat, to revel for a few moments in my mad, meme-crushing wit:

Me: “How does one block a river?”
The internet: “Dam, Daniel.”

Me: “What’s the name of that famous canned lunch meat?”
The internet: “Spam, Daniel.”

Me: “How does one politely address an older woman?”
The internet: “Ma’am, Daniel”

Me: “What would you call David Bowie’s signature style circa 1972?”
The internet: “Glam, Daniel.”

Me: “What was the greatest Brit-pop duo of the 1980s?”
The Internet: “Wham! Daniel.”

Me: “What should I do when I haven’t studied for tomorrow’s test?”
The Internet: “Cram, Daniel.”

Me: “What’s the deal with all that money the Prince of Nigeria promised me?”
The internet: “Scam, Daniel.”

Me: “Remind me, which is my least favorite of all edible tubers?”
The internet: “Yam, Daniel.”

Me: “What should I use to stroll my baby around this London park?”
The internet: “Pram, Daniel.”

Me: “How can I see the world from the top of a mountain if I’m too lazy to climb it?”
The internet: “Tram, Daniel.”

Me: “If I ever decide to storm castle gate, what would be the best tool for the job?”
The internet: “Ram, Daniel.”

Me: “What was the most memorable one-word catchphrase of late-90s celebrity chefdom?”
The internet: “Bam! Daniel.”

Me: “If Jim Halpert married a can of cooking spray, which one would it be?”
The internet: “PAM, Daniel.”

Me:”What would you call me after the overwrought performance I gave in my fifth grade Christmas pageant?”
The internet: “Ham, Daniel.”

Me: “What’s the best way for me to showcase my highly performative poetry?”
The internet: “Slam, Daniel.”

Me: “What was once defined as ‘the absolute weight of a volume of pure water equal to the cube of the hundredth part of a meter, and at the temperature of melting ice’?”
The internet: “Gram, Daniel.”

Me: “What should I do when I’ve taken out one of my rivals with a trident to the heart?”
The internet: “Lam, Daniel.”

Me: “What’s that one type of rock band I really don’t care for?”
The internet: “Jam, Daniel.”

Me: “How would you describe my professed heterosexuality circa 1998?”
The Internet: “Sham, Daniel.”

Me: “I could go on with these for days, but should I?”
The internet: “Scram, Daniel.”

Damn, Daniel. You just just got DANNED.